Catholic Dating After Divorce or Annulment: What the Church Actually Says

The short answer

Yes, you can build a new life after divorce, and a single Catholic can date someone who is divorced. The part that needs care is marriage. The Church presumes a first marriage is valid until a tribunal declares otherwise, so nobody divorced from a living spouse can marry again in the Church until a declaration of nullity (an “annulment”) is granted. A widow or widower is free to marry. Because of that, pastors and canon lawyers usually advise divorced Catholics to wait before dating, and everyone to be upfront early. This guide explains the reasoning in plain English. It is not advice on your own case: your parish priest and diocesan tribunal decide that.

Sources: USCCB: annulments (declarations of nullity)

Divorce and annulment are not the same thing

A civil divorce ends a marriage in the eyes of the state. The Church does not treat it as ending a valid marriage. The Catechism allows spouses to live apart when living together becomes impossible, but says they do not cease to be husband and wife before God and are not free to marry someone else (CCC 1649). A declaration of nullity, usually called an annulment, is something different: a tribunal’s finding that something essential was missing at the moment of consent, so no valid marriage came into being. It does not say you never loved each other, and it does not make your children illegitimate. They are not.

Sources: Catechism of the Catholic Church (Vatican); USCCB: annulments (declarations of nullity); USCCB For Your Marriage: annulments

Divorced Catholics are not excommunicated

This surprises many people. Divorce on its own does not cut you off from the Church or the sacraments. What the Catechism says is that Catholics who divorce and then enter a new civil marriage without a declaration of nullity are in a situation that contradicts the Church’s teaching, and cannot receive communion while it continues (CCC 1650). Even then, it asks parishes to welcome them into the life of the community (CCC 1651).

Sources: Catechism of the Catholic Church (Vatican); Diocese of St Petersburg: marriage annulment FAQ (PDF)

Can you date before the annulment?

Strictly speaking, canon law says nothing about “dating”, and the Church has no official definition of it. The reasoning is theological: a divorced person is still treated as married until the tribunal rules, because marriage “enjoys the favour of the law” (canon 1060). That is why one canon lawyer writing in the Catholic Review calls dating before a declaration a bad idea in general, and another canon lawyer says priests and theologians will as a rule call it inappropriate. The advice is practical as well as legal:

• You are still, in the Church’s eyes, married, and a new relationship can complicate both your own healing and your case.
• There is no guarantee a declaration will be granted. Falling for someone while the outcome is open can end in heartbreak for both of you.
• The USCCB says no wedding date should be set until the tribunal’s decision is final.
• Most people need time to grieve and recover before a new relationship is fair to anyone.

Whether to wait is a decision to make with your priest, who knows your situation. Friendships, parish life, volunteering and group hangouts are different from dating, and are often the healthiest way to begin again.

Sources: Catholic Review: can a Catholic date someone whose marriage has not been annulled?; Canon Law Made Easy: can divorced Catholics date while waiting for an annulment?; USCCB: annulments (declarations of nullity)

If you are the single one and they are divorced

Plenty of single Catholics meet someone wonderful who has been married before. Ask early, kindly and plainly, because the answers change what is possible:

• Was the first marriage in a Catholic church, another church or a registry office? The Church presumes the marriages of non-Catholics are valid too.
• Has a declaration of nullity been sought or granted, and is a case open?
• Is the former spouse still living? If a spouse has died, the person is free to marry.
• Are there children, and how involved is the other parent?
• Does this person want a second marriage in the Church?

According to the USCCB, a divorced person who is not Catholic still needs a declaration of nullity before marrying a Catholic in the Church. If you are not sure you could accept that wait, be honest with yourself before you get attached.

Sources: USCCB: annulments (declarations of nullity); USCCB For Your Marriage: annulments

How the annulment process works today

You start at your parish: a priest, deacon or trained advocate helps you prepare a petition to the diocesan tribunal, which gathers testimony and decides whether the marriage was valid. How long it takes depends on your diocese and on the kind of process used, and a year or more is common. Pope Francis’s 2015 reform (Mitis Iudex Dominus Iesus, in force since 8 December 2015) removed the automatic second review, placed a single judge under the bishop’s responsibility and added a shorter process for obvious cases. It also asked that procedures be free or as inexpensive as possible, but practice varies, so ask your tribunal what it charges.

• If the first marriage was a civil or non-Catholic ceremony that a Catholic entered without the Church’s permission (a lack of canonical form), a documentary process can be far quicker, because it may need only baptismal and marriage records.

Sources: USCCB: annulments (declarations of nullity); Pope Francis, Mitis Iudex Dominus Iesus, 2015 (Vatican); America magazine: the annulment dilemma

Widowed? Different rules

If your spouse has died, you are free to marry in the Church and no declaration of nullity is needed. Church law sets no waiting period; the right pace is a matter for you, the people who love you, and perhaps a priest or counsellor. Many dioceses run support groups for widowed, separated and divorced Catholics, and they are a good place to meet people who understand.

Sources: USCCB: annulments (declarations of nullity)

Dating well the second time

• Heal first. Counselling, a retreat or a support group is not a delay, it is preparation.
• Tell your story early and briefly, without bitterness, so it does not arrive as a surprise at month six.
• Put children first: introduce someone only when the relationship is serious and steady.
• Start in groups: parish events, Adoration, volunteering and hangouts.
• Be wary of anyone who asks for money before you have met. Romance scams can target anyone.

CatholicMeet shows parish, Mass attendance and faith journey on every profile and has hangouts and pilgrimages, so you can meet people in a group first. Say honestly in your bio where you are in the process.

Read: Catholic dating rules: what the Church teaches · Read: How to meet Catholic singles near you

Sources: US Federal Trade Commission: what to know about romance scams